http://www.manchester.ac.uk/discover/news/article/?id=12442
This a good article about chemo-brain in young people. My thoughts...
It's good that this is being further investigated. Going back to school after chemo was so weird and awkward. I could memorize my lines in seconds but my attention span in class was almost non-existent and I could not keep track of appointments and other things. With all of that + severe depression I was a total mess! Even on Tamoxifen I was still in a fog, like my brain had shrunk or partially melted and was soaking in some sort of liquid or melted brain sludge that distorted all incoming and outgoing information. I always told people that all the roads in my brain were re-routed. It's only been the past 4 months of detox (no tamoxifen!!!) that I can focus and feel clearer- even clearer than before I had cancer!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
DEPRESSION
long time... lots to catch up on.
for now...
depression sucks the soul out of my life
I often don't notice I am depressed until I realize I haven't showered in 5 days
but I still don't shower
it will make me feel better and I don't deserve to feel better
Or, by feeling better I will try to do things and just fail again as usual
so, it's best to just lay in bed where I feel safe and warm and can sleep
maybe if I sleep long enough I will never wake up
and I can sleep forever and dream forever
it used to be that I cried and knew what made me depressed and sad
I don't know now what it is really
it's not one thing and I can't cry
if I cried I'd feel just as bad
maybe screaming would help
I am in a prison of my own making
I grew up in a prison so I feel safer in one
I feel secluded from the world and isolated from outsiders
I was trapped then so now I trap myself
with excuses and aches and worthlessness
I could walk out the door at any moment and escape
but I don't
I could... if I wanted to
but, even though it's miserable here, it's familiar
outside is strange and crowded and scary
outside is where people go to be successful
the only thing I have ever been successful at is being a gigantic failure
depression. sucks.
for now...
depression sucks the soul out of my life
I often don't notice I am depressed until I realize I haven't showered in 5 days
but I still don't shower
it will make me feel better and I don't deserve to feel better
Or, by feeling better I will try to do things and just fail again as usual
so, it's best to just lay in bed where I feel safe and warm and can sleep
maybe if I sleep long enough I will never wake up
and I can sleep forever and dream forever
it used to be that I cried and knew what made me depressed and sad
I don't know now what it is really
it's not one thing and I can't cry
if I cried I'd feel just as bad
maybe screaming would help
I am in a prison of my own making
I grew up in a prison so I feel safer in one
I feel secluded from the world and isolated from outsiders
I was trapped then so now I trap myself
with excuses and aches and worthlessness
I could walk out the door at any moment and escape
but I don't
I could... if I wanted to
but, even though it's miserable here, it's familiar
outside is strange and crowded and scary
outside is where people go to be successful
the only thing I have ever been successful at is being a gigantic failure
depression. sucks.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Today's Haikus
Dying your hair red
In the shower looks like you
Slaughtered someone there
_________________________
watching kittens feed
on mothers milk with blind eyes
is more than I am
_________________________
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
I'm on a haiku rampage!
now no energy,
eyelids drift, body sinks in
I want chocolate
-----------------------------------
----------------------------------
----------------------------------------
now no energy,
eyelids drift, body sinks in
I want chocolate
-----------------------------------
Expectations are
Expected. Malignant choice.
Pressured acceptance.
----------------------------------
Capitalistic thought
Attaches to consciousness
Breeds greedy, blind
youth----------------------------------------
The ignorant vote
Against their self interests
Free America
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