long time... lots to catch up on.
for now...
depression sucks the soul out of my life
I often don't notice I am depressed until I realize I haven't showered in 5 days
but I still don't shower
it will make me feel better and I don't deserve to feel better
Or, by feeling better I will try to do things and just fail again as usual
so, it's best to just lay in bed where I feel safe and warm and can sleep
maybe if I sleep long enough I will never wake up
and I can sleep forever and dream forever
it used to be that I cried and knew what made me depressed and sad
I don't know now what it is really
it's not one thing and I can't cry
if I cried I'd feel just as bad
maybe screaming would help
I am in a prison of my own making
I grew up in a prison so I feel safer in one
I feel secluded from the world and isolated from outsiders
I was trapped then so now I trap myself
with excuses and aches and worthlessness
I could walk out the door at any moment and escape
but I don't
I could... if I wanted to
but, even though it's miserable here, it's familiar
outside is strange and crowded and scary
outside is where people go to be successful
the only thing I have ever been successful at is being a gigantic failure
depression. sucks.
